dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I think I won the penis lottery.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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