And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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