I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
