My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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