so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
