I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
