I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
