I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
