he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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