It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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