If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
