I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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