CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Bring me that man meat
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
