I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
