Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
