need another drink. this is the easiest way
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
