Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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