also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
