If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
