toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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