dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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