A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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