You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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