Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
