I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
