I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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