I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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