my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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