are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He? As in you personified your dick?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
