My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
