Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
