I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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