just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
