i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
