The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
babies were throwing up all over the place
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
