im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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