This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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