Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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