Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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