if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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