We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My breasts were aching with rage.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
