well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
