Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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