Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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