I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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