ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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