I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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