I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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