i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
