I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
